Dear Therapist: Esther Perel & Paradox

"We often have paradoxes to manage, rather than problems to fix." This is a quote by the famous Esther Perel, and has come in handy in sessions where clients can be the perfectionist type... (Myself included!) 

For instance, one of my young clients said that he did not want to make his girlfriend upset when setting boundaries around his bedtime and, therefore, he chose to grow a personal resentment toward her instead. Ironically, in telling her about his resentment, her reaction to him was also being upset, and so he couldn't win regardless. This was a paradox. 

We all get into such dilemmas in relationships. And reassuring or validating clients in these struggles is imperative to building healthy egos - in the Freudian sense - for clients and ourselves. The longer we can withstand our paradoxes, the more capable of adaptation we become.