Dear Therapist: Bees & Honey

You get more bees with honey than you do with vinegar. A classic maxim and one I often employ when testing ego strength…Especially if I have a particularly sensitive man on my caseload. 

The honey is a compliment. To be specific, when I compliment a client, I look to see if they say the opposite, or agree with me. I rarely point things out that aren’t objectively true, like “You seem quite introspective,” rather than “You make everyone happy.” And sit with their response. If they say that they do think they’re introspective, I usually just continue with whatever thoughts they’re having. But if they say something like “oh I don’t know I’m not really…” I’ll usually press into that. I.e. “Is that how you see yourself? Not introspective?” And challenge them with their own “shadow.”

see Carl Jung: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shadow_(psychology)

The logic is, again, that if the clinician can confront the client with the things that they don’t wish to look at, the client may have an encounter with themselves that leads to greater insight and inevitable acceptance.

So! Next time you give a compliment, see if the “bee” comes, and point it out.