Dear Therapist: Wisdom From My Therapist

My own beloved therapist named something a while back that I think every therapist should be proficient in; Listening in a different way... I did think this went without saying, but question asking and pure observation are not enough to justify our profession. Listening in a different way means to note for others the projections, subtle mannerisms, and unique narratives that our clients are not saying aloud. We are interpreters and/or surveyors of the subconscious and unconscious layers our clients are presenting to us. 

So for instance, one of my clients yesterday was wanting to talk to me about how angry he was with his aging and frail father. He said it was annoying to watch him complain about his back, and I reflected back to him that he was projecting his grief that his father was getting older as anger and annoyance rather than vulnerable sadness. And he was able to sit and tear up and reflect on the subtle shift in how he was presenting as immaturely passive aggressive towards his father because of this.

In another session after this, a man was saying that he wasn't seeing his friends anymore because he had to take care of his child and that they had other children themselves. This is logical, and understandable. But what he wasn't saying was that he was sad, focusing on a grandiously negative narrative, and unwanting to parent himself. And pointing this out, we were able to re-imagine a narrative of his life that was more realistic. That he could reach out to others, he did not have to use his past as an excuse to justify maladaptive behavior, and his narrative was a comfortable but toxic one.

It is in these ways that we ought to be thinking. Listen for the way that people speak and present, rather than their direct answers to your questions. Your practice will change because of this.